


Hoe Don't Do It Chronicles

by Angel_With_A_Screwdriver, ThralionExists



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Gen, Hoe don't do it, crack scenarios, literally that, we are not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-26 12:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3851599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_With_A_Screwdriver/pseuds/Angel_With_A_Screwdriver, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThralionExists/pseuds/ThralionExists
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of one shots, based off of the popular phrase of 'Hoe don't do it', with our favourite dudes of Middle Earth.<br/>Completely AU, completely WTF.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hoe Don't Do It Chronicles

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PrinceSircastic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceSircastic/gifts), [TheLeonKing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLeonKing/gifts).



> This series is written by Teddy and, who are complete and utter trash, and have an affinity for our three troublemakers. Because we /all/ know they would be little shits.

“/Why/ do they force us to swim? It should be illegal.” Legolas lightly hit his head against the tiled wall, trying to block out the nauseous smells of chlorine and (probably, knowing Erebor Swimming Bath's reputation) pee. 

“Only because your eyebrows ran last time.” Fili snorted back at the blonde. He too was dreading facing the murky depths of the pool.

“Er, no they didn't. I am all natural.” 

“Of /course/ you are, Leggy.” Kili said, “Just like you are /totally/ a natural blonde.” Both the brothers laughed now, Legolas pouting and furrowing his brows. 

“It should still be illegal.” He muttered.

“Yeah, it is... really fucking boring.” Fili sighed, leaning against the tiles in defeat. 

After an age of silence and quiet huffs, Legolas stood rod straight, a huge grin on his face.  
“I have an idea. I am a genius.”

“An idea like that time with the traffic cone?” Fili started. 

“Or an Idea like that time with-” Kili began. 

“No, guys, better than all of those times. I'm going to piss off Dwalin.” There was a joyous gleam in his eyes.

“Are you /trying/ to get yourself drowned?” Kili laughed. This, he should have expected.

“You can only drown if you swallow water, stick to the air pockets and you will be fine.” 

“I... I don't think that's true, dude.” Fili sighed, loudly. This would earn them all at least a years worth of time in Hell.

“Stop getting all Sciency- I'm trying to scheme,”

It was quiet again, the line they waited in to join the pool quickly diminishing. 

“I've got it,” With a quick glance at the Swimming instructor, Dwalin (who was famous for his Hulk-Short temper and having hair from his scalp migrate to his chin), the boys huddled together. 

“  
When you guys are in the pool-”

“Why do WE have to be in the pool?”

“Sacrifices must be made, my friend. Now, when you guys are in the pool, Dwalin will finish his shift. When he gets changed I'll take his things, as we all know that he's fond of the showers. Ge-ni-us.” 

“You have a death wish, leg.” Kili laughed, sharing the same glint that the taller blonde did. Together their eyebrows wiggled, though not joined by Fili's.

“Hoe, don't do it.” Fili shook his head. There was no way they would get away with this. 

Legolas merely grinned, leaving his place in the line to sneak into the staff dressing rooms. He was quick, and could be hidden if he needed to. Dwalin would never know. 

“Hoe, don't do it!” Legolas sniggered again. This was /way/ better than swimming.

.oOo.

The staff changing rooms smelt so bad, Legolas thought he would throw up through his nose.  
What /did/ thy clean this place with?

An lifeguard walked past his hiding spot. He wasn't seen, Praise the heavens. With a deep sigh of relief he waited for the telltale signs of heavy footprints and odd muttering.  
After five minutes he heard- Dwalin had come. 

Apprehension bubbled in him now- the war of good and bad deeds each making valid points. But he wouldn't back down now. 

A bald head passed him, taller than his own, and definitely more rough. Maybe he would gift him some beauty cream as an apology, later. 

In the cubicle Dwalin sang, sang of rich tea biscuits and whatever 'lass' he was talking about. Legolas shuddered to think. Maybe she too, had a beard. 

And then he was done, stomping away to the shower rooms. Now was the prime time. 

Sliding out from his hiding hole, he checked left and right. Coast was clear. Carefully he tiptoed to the corner, snaking his arm to the bench and stifling a laugh. Thank God for steam, or he would be /blind/. 

The clothes were as expected, worn and dark. Legolas stuffed them under one arm, cringing to death when he finally had to pick up the blue speedos. With a final blind tug for the hanging towel he slipped away again, making a straight break for the lockers. 

Everything was shoved inside one hastily, with barely any time to make his legitimate get away the blonde ran. 

.oOo.

Fili and Kili were lurking closely in the corner of the pool, chatting about whatever. Legolas strode over, as innocent as he could possibly be, and lowered himself right in. 

“Everything went as expected. Now, we-”

“/Oh my God/.” Fili practically gagged. Legolas and Kili eagerly turned around- to a bright red, basically steaming Swim instructor with a flannel covering... whatever it could. 

“Who stole my /bloody/ clothes?!” Dwalin roared, sending most onlookers into either shocked silence, disgusted cringing, or outright laughter. 

It was the funniest thing they had ever seen. 

“Maybe I should just never come here again. To be safe.” Legolas nodded.

“Ya think?” Fili rolled his eyes. This wasn't even the worst thing the trio had done, and it probably wasn't the last.


End file.
